Friday, January 29, 2010


"What do I know of this Love?
What do I know of Holy?"

I don't know.  I just know I want it.  I want to know Holy.  
Keep breaking me, Lord.  It's hard.  And if I didn't know any better, I'd beg You to stop. 
"I guess I thought that I had figured you out..... I knew all the stories, and I learned to talk about- how You were might to save!!.  But those were only empty words on a page.  "


Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I love compliments.  I love it when they come unexpected.  I love it when they come at just the very perfect time to take an evening of 'blah' and turn it into "yipee!!".

I got one such compliment this evening.  And I was all mopey and icky and frowny-faced seconds before reading an email that complimented me in an area of my 'hobby' - this particular hobby  isn't very close to awesome.  It's just something I was 'doing'.

You know  what I'm talking about?

I wasn't trying to make it awesome.  I was just 'doing it'- cause it's 'what I do'.

Writing.  It's my journal in technological coloring.  That's all.  I write what I'm thinking- how I'm feeling- what I've been doing and how I've been doing it.  Nothing more.  I don't have an awesome story to tell, and I don't have any kind of information to offer.  It's just me- being me.  And I write about it.  And it's what I do.  I enjoy the time I get to type out my messy thoughts.

I am pretty sure God gave me the ability to write/express myself in the written form for this reason:

Lord help us ALL if I didn't have a non-verbal outlet!!!

I have to express myself!!!  IT's the thing that gets me in trouble the very most.  "Expression!"  It's my good quality and my super awful quality... all-in-one. (yay me!)

I got whippins and beatins and smack-downs growing up from 'Expressing Myself'.  My mom hated it!!!   My face felt how much she hated it, too.  I can't say that I blame her (completely).  I am super-awesome at expressing myself- and I was expressing to her how much she sucked as a mom.  (teenagers- Psh!!)

And I've mostly been able to express myself in a non-violent, somewhat unoffensive way through writing.  It just comes out way better (mucy prettier) on paper (or on screen) than it does from my mouth.  Is it my tone?  My body language?   My facial movements?  Is that why it comes out all wrong when I say it?   I'll check answer (d)....  All of the above. Final answer Regis.

 On paper?  On screen?  I have no worries.  It just comes out.... the way I mean for it to.

And when I get complimented on that ability- and it's a sweet compliment- I get super-happy.  I love writing.  I love expressing myself freely with out fear of it coming out like a big pile of barf.  I love it.  And I love so much that in reality- when I get complimented- it's somebody saying "God totally hooked you up.  He loves you.  He gave you a gift- and He's letting you use it."

Thanks, God.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


We had some friends over for dinner tonight.    Great friends.

They're the kind of friends that you almost can NEVER spend enough time with.

Even if we get to hang out an entire weekend; it's not enough time.  They live out of state.  Like?  One state away.  2 1/2 hours.  Not far.   We don't get to see them enough, though.

They have 2 boys (age 4 and almost 2) and of course- our 3 girls.  It's always LOUD when we get together.  Really-really-LOUD.  But it's always awesome, too.

We get each other.

No other way to explain it.  We have some things in common- some... not so much.  We're different, but similar.

We get each other.

There's a family-like comfort when we get together.

It's like having my sister and brother, and nephews over.  I don't feel like I need to 'host' anything.  It's free-for-all.  Grab what ya need, throw the baby on the couch and change the diaper cause we ain't got no changing pad  (....As a matter of fact- I was changing the stinkiest diaper on planet earth mid conversation this evening.  No discomfort.  No "Ohh- sorry about this."  We were taking- the 2 year old 'shoo-shooed'.  No big deal.

You do what you gotta do to.

Us mom's listen to the kids screaming below us in the play room and continue our chat with out a flinch.....  We've learned to tune out the 'unimportant' screams of playtime.  We know if it was a 'mad' or a 'hurt' cry.  We let it go.  Our ears are fine tuned, us mom's.  The dad's... eh... they'll learn to cope (eventually).

Nope.  It wasn't enough time.  It was close to 4 hours that we got to spend with our friends.  But if felt like just a few minutes.

And I always get that lump in my throat when it's time to say goodbye.  You know the lump?  That "sad- little kid that has to leave Grandma's house"- lump.  "I'm not gonna cry- but I could"-lump.  You know the one I'm talking about?

Ya.  I've got that one.  And if I write anymore about it- I will cry.  And it's the strangest feeling.  I'm always slightly depressed for the next few hours.  What is up with that???  Don't get me wrong.  I perk up.  I do.  I don't stay mopey and sad forever.  Just for a bit.

And we don't talk on the phone that much.  We just don't have the time.  Thank God for Facebook, right?  Right!

So.  Here's to our amazing friends.

The ones that we use to 'hang out with' every Thursday for Bible Study.
The ones we think of every time we have a fire in our fire pit, or talk about camping.
 The ones that God totally hooked us up with- for no reason at all- other than the fact that He knew we needed each other in our lives. (I'll have to remember to post 'the story' one day)
The ones that (some-how) became our 'family-members' over the past 5 years that we've known them.

I can't wait til next time.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


It all started yesterday morning.  I won't go through the list- but at every turn around my 6 year old decided to disobey- disregard- and disrespect.  She was punished.  At a last resort attempt at showing her I meant business, I banned her from 'play time' during our Kindermusik  session.  This is huge.

There are friends for both her and Zoe to play with at Kindermusik while Leah and I sing our gay little songs.  They get their own room.  Their own play stuff.  It's the highlight of their week during K-Musik Sessions.

So- she sat in the room with us.  With a book.  And had to just..... sit.  For 45 minutes.

And later than night- she continued in her disobedience.

And this morning- it is STILL going on.

Today- she is cleaning.  The whole. entire. day.  Clean.  Clean.  School.  School.  NO PLAY.  With words of instrucion that state: "It's important to obey.  You must follow directions.  You are giving away your play time because of your behavior."  (Why are you so mean?  Why can't I get a break?  Why would you punish me for 'forgetting' to obey??)  And I reply "It's your choice to disobey.  It's your choice to be punished.  If you can't remember the rules- this should help you."

And she STILL continues to disobey.  Taking my cell phone- and hiding it under a dresser in the office.  Spraying the TV with bleach.  Arguing.  Whining.  Complaining.......  and so on.

I'm at a loss.  It's making me frustrated.  My hands are in the air.... UGH!!!

Joshua says she is 'rebelling' against me.  I concur.  I just wish it wasn't TRUE.

 SIX-YEARS-OLD!!!  And the rebelling is starting.

What.  Should.  I.  DO???????/

Moving down. Moving up.

I am super stoked that I'm on a hard-core weight loss journey.

The scale is going to be moving down... but.... I'm going to be moving on  up:  Success!  I want it!

And how sweet it is to here some cool truth through.....  Veggie-Tales??? Well.  Mandisa is working the vocals- but I heard the song JUST NOW on The Veggie Tales Move: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.

Yep.  Watch below.

I got all my excuses
I got my list of fears
I've counted all the reasons why
You called the wrong hero to be here
It's not safe, it's just not worth it
Doing the right thing is just too hard
But I believed those lies for long enough
And I'm not gonna listen anymore

Cause I remember You said
When all hope is gone, help will come

And give me strength
To go farther, climb higher
Courage that burns inside like a fire
No turning back, this is the day
I will do what I need to
And When I need You
I know Your love will come to the rescue
No turning back, this is the day
I'll do the right thing

I can do this
I can do this
I'm gonna do this
I can do the right thing
I can do this
Let me do this
I wanna do this
I can do the right thing

So what if I'm not the strongest
A little weaker than I'd like to be, well
Even I can do what's right because
I know, the King is calling me
To live a life worth looking up to
Holding on to what matters most
Nobody said it was gonna be easy
But I know I'll never go alone

Cause when all hope is gone
Help will come, come from above

And give me strength
To go farther, climb higher
Courage that burns inside like a fire
No turning back, this is the day
I will do what I need to
I'm gonna need You
I know Your love will come to the rescue
No turning back, this is the day
I'll do the right thing

I can do this
I can do this
I can do this
I can do the right thing
I'm gonna do this
Let me do this
I wanna do this
I can do the right thing

And give me strength
To go farther, climb higher
Courage that burns inside like a fire
No turning back, this is the day
I will do what I need to
I'm gonna need You
I know Your love will come to the rescue
No turning back, this is the day

Give me strength
To go farther, climb higher
Courage that burns inside like a fire
No turning back, this is the day
I will do what I need to
I'm gonna need You
I know Your love will come to the rescue
No turning back, this is the day
I'll do the right thing

I can do this
I can do this
I can do this
I can do the right thing
I'm gonna do this
Let me do this
I wanna do this
I can do the right thing

Tuesday, January 19, 2010



I did it.

I made a new blog.

About.......  weight loss.

More, actually- about the current weight loss journey I'm on now.

Here it is.

Follow if you will.  Keep me encouraged.  I need it!


I'm following a blogger- who is on the HCG protocol. She posted this- and it makes sense!!!

 I feel it.

Needing to get  Sober. Getting Sober. From...... FOOD!

It's emotional.

Pink. Sober.

Rock on Pink.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Breeding Grounds

It's a little before 7:00 AM.  My husband comes into our room to tell me goodbye- he's off to work- he loves me- smooches- see ya later.  I'm groggy, staying asleep sounds like a much better option than putting my feet on our cold wood floor.  I convince myself to get out of bed, and as I find my vertical balance, I hear chitter chatter from the girls' room.

This winter- all 3 girls are set up to sleep in one bedroom.  Our house, not having central heat, stays cozy enough with our fireplace, but it's easier to keep the upstairs super toasty if we can close off one of the bedrooms.  Leah is standing up in her bed, and Kyla and Zoe are sitting on the top bunk watching Daddy's truck leave.

"Oh man." I think to myself. "It's too early."  And to the girls I say "Ok.  It's still dark, you all need  to go back to sleep."

 Leah is happy.  She says, with her paci still in her mouth "Sippy.  Sippy, please.  On.  The.   Tay-pull."  Yep.  She wants a drink of water- and she's telling me her sippy is on the table..... downstairs.

Sweet!  Easy enough. The guess work has been eliminated and Leah is communicating what she wants with out frustration.  Love it!

I get her sippy.  I get Zoe and Kyla each a drink of water.  All is well.  It should be a quiet morning.

Should be.

And then- I go to the bathroom.   Our girls have yet to learn the art of flushing. I flush for them- (how many times did they potty last night??)- and meet up with an Over-Flowed-Toilet.   Good thing for me, I'm still slightly drugged from last night's Sleepy Time Tea.  I just shake my head- plunge the toilet, and plunge.... and plunge.... and PLUNGE (is this thing EVER going to quit over flowing???).  Got it.    Mess is slightly cleaned up (bleach to come later in the day).

Downstairs I go. Coffee. Mmmmm.  I pour a cup, and  check on the fire before I sit down to a cozy quiet.

"Ugh!" I just stepped onto a 3ft x 2ft  pile of wood chips, dirt, ashes, and bark.  This is a typical mess when bringing in fire wood, building a fire, and/or adding wood to the fire.  Everything to do with our fire place leads to a big 'O mess!  Typical mess as it is..... it's supposed to be swept up by whomever made the mess.   The mess maker of the morning was running late.  He didn't get to it.   It's mine.

I sweep and sweep and sweep..... and sweep. (are these wood chips just multiplying???).  And, finally- the dust pan is maxed out, and I'm done.    While I'm at it- you know- NOT being cozy- I go into the coldest place in our house to retrieve the model number for our broken dryer.  Brrrrr!!!!!  It's like walking outside!!  I get the number, text it to my husband, and move toward the recliner.  I've got the heating pad all warmed up too.

Cold coffee.  Eh?  I'm used to it.  No problem.  I sit down- begin this blog, and what do I hear???  A Screaming Leah.  And a Shushing Kyla. (apparently Leah requires her quiet time in the morning to actually be quiet- and being disturbed does not sit well with her.  This! I understand.)  

So- here I am.  Yep.  This morning is a breeding ground for a super chaotic day.  It's all prepped.  Overflowed Toilet.  Wood chips in my feet.  Screaming 2 year old.  Disobedient 6 year old.  Groggy mommy.  All with in 30 minutes of putting my feet on the floor.

But, guess what??  This is really not an unusual morning.  Sure.  Our toilet doesn't over flow every day- but first thing- every morning, it's mostly crazy.  Before I even fully wake up, I've got 10 things pulling at me.  Kyla. Zoe. Leah. Kitchen. Breakfast. Fireplace. Diaper. Dog. Coffee.  (Ok, maybe it's just 9.)

My life- my 3 girls, home school, unbalanced, unscheduled,  overwhelmed life-  is, in and of itself, a breeding ground for chaos.  

Do they make birth control for that?

Friday, January 1, 2010

Now What?

I get another day at home.  This time?    Alone!

Oh DON'T worry- I'm not going to be mixing any rhymes with blogs this afternoon

The girls and boy of my life have ventured out in a big black Ford F350 Diesel Crew Cab to South Carolina. Yep.  That's right world.  Hell is getting a little chilly.  Watch out.   My man took a road trip with our 3 darling little chitlens.    Eh?  IT's just about an hour and half long road trip- but HEY!- that's something to get pumped up about.

Me.  Home.  Alone.  Him.  Driving.  With GIRLS.  By himself.  

Hmmmm.  I have a vision of him (barely) making it in the door before he passes out in a heap of gratitude for how AWESOME I am for doing these trivial things every.  single.  day.  'Cept I get to do them while I'm like- cleaning, and cooking, and dreaming about silly things like: and empty laundry room and a flat, toned up stretch mark less belly.

I have a vision of him getting the girls put in bed, and then sitting down beside me on our couch, and bursting into tears.  Bear with me- this is my imagination at it's best;

 "Amber.  I had no idea.  I just had no clue.  You mean, every time you leave the house you go through this?  (hiccup.  snot flowing)  Allll those times I asked you to load the van up and meet me somewhere for a forgotten wallet, chain saw, or leaf blower.  And I never real(hiccup)ized how all together challenging it is to wrangle them here and there- ALoooooooNe (sob. sob.  sniffle. sniffle.)  
Oh!!!  I've been soooo insensitive!!  Here you are- taking care of our house.  Our family.  Going here and there with our girls day in, and day out.  All. by. YOURSELF!!  Oh honey.  I understand now why you want a newer car to drive around.  That van is certainly NOT good enough anymore, is it?  What WOULD you do if it broke down?.  i don't know.  OH!!!!  (sob.  whaaaa. booo hoooo.)  
I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't packed the sippy cups, the cereal, the pacifier, the hats and gloves and scarves (it was sooo cold in S.C.)  (sob.  SOB!)  All I did was grab their coats, and stick 'em in their seats.  I didn't KNOW they needed all that stuff for an afternoon away from home."

     Really, though!!!  Really!  What is likely to happen is this scenario:
(door opens- in walks my hunk of burnin' love)

A: Hey.  You have fun?

J: Yep!  The girls were great. No issues. They were super sweet.  Slept on the way there.  Slept on the way home.......  I don't know why you packed all that stuff, either- I mean? they ate it and drank it and used it- but they'd have been FINE with out it.  Can you go get it outta the truck, now?

A: (chit chat) What'd they eat for lunch?  (Winter time.  Gotta be hardcore on the healthy eating)

J:  French fries and chicken nuggets with chocolate milk and ice cream......  What??!!  That's healthy, right?  Ya- I don't know why you get stressed out driving the girls around- it's easy.  Psh.  You just need t know how to be like me.

That'd be my luck. I hope for that- for HIS sake- because it'd be sweet if they had an incredibly easy going perfectly perfect trip (there and back).  Part of me is hoping that, in SPITE of how easy and super safe his trip is going to be- he'll get a sense of the overwelming-ness that goes with the territory in singular parenting in the day to day.

Geesh.  How'd I get so sidetracked?  Just typing typing typing- no interuptions.  Interesting. This is what happens when I get to finish a thought-- stay focused on one thing?  Not sure if I like this or not.  We'll see.

So?  NOW WHAT?  What will I do today?

  • I could mack out our house with sparkley clean-ness; pick up where I left off on Wednesdays failed adventure to make our house 'shine' with 'aaaaaaaah'.  Ugh.  Cleaning.  Again.  Sounds SO.......  blah.

  • I could pack the van full of the mounds of clothes that are neatly color separated in our laundry room/office.   Maybe make it a Get Er Done laundry mat afternoon? (although- we do have a perfectly healthy washer and dryer)     There's just something about being in a place designated for one thing- and one thing only- LAUNDRY WASHING.    It MUST be my ADD?  I secretly wish I could go once a week to this place of dryer sheet smells and false humiDity.  I HATE going with 10 loads of laundry to wash- but love the feeling of solitude as I try to hide behind a table during the folding of my undergarments. And everyone tries to avoid eye contact.  Nobody really wants to chat it up at the L.M.   Suits me.  I like the silence.  I like getting the chance to work through my thoughts (in complete sentences).    My new book shall be called "I Can Only Hear God If I'm @ The Laundry Mat."                                                       all rights reserved. TM. Copyright...  or whatever.  (kidding)   

Seriously though- it is days like today that I think "WOW!!  Life is sweet."     
(Perspective my dear Watson.  Perspective.)
I wrote a little song that describes how I'm feeling about today's possibilities:


 I can clean freely now the family's gone....  
  I can see all dirt piles in my way
Gone are the 2 year olds that had me down
It's gonna be a bright- bright - bright
Bright House Cleaning Day (oh ya ya ya)

Oh YES I can clean it now the fam is gone
All of the dust bunnies have disappeared
Here is the silence I've been waiting for
It's gonna be a bright- bright-bright
Bright house Cleaning Day

Look all around there's nothing but clean floors
Look straight ahead- there's nothing but Clean Floor- orrrrrrrrrrr- orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr- orrrrrrrrss!

I can work freely now the fam is gone
I can get all the laundry done today!
Here is the Tide that I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright- bright BRIGHT-
Bright House Cleaning Day

 *takes a bow*  Thank You.  Thank You.  I'll be here all day.  Alone.