Smashed

So far- this year has been a big challenge for me:

As a wife.
As a mom.
As a Christian.
As a woman.....

Doesn't that sound awesomely fun!?!  Every aspect of my multiple roles as a human being is being directly challenged?!?!

For a while now I've been super-emotional.  (Weeping).   I've been struggling.  More so in the past few days.  I cried my eyeballs out over the weekend.  Tormented on Sunday night.  And woke up Monday morning with a new "GRRRR!!!!"  I woke up determined to accomplish one thing. Just ONE THING.  I woke up determined to hit they gym and take out my emotions in a cardio and weights session.  I keep referring back to how great I felt when i was busting it at the gym.  one thing.  I wanted to do ONE THING that I was certain would be GOOD for me... that would make me feel great- even if it was temporary.

We made it to they gym.  11:00.  I was going to get 2 hours of PUSH time.  I got out of the van.  Instructed my 4 year old to back away from the car door so she wouldn't get her fingers caught... and SLAM!!  Smashed my pinky finger in the door.  It was wedged in the door.  I had to open (the door) to remove my mangled-bleeding finger.  I almost passed out.  Got back in my car.  And tried to figure out what to do.  I couldn't drive.  I could hardly BREATHE!  I cried a little.  Eventually-  I did what my husband instructed me to do.  I (somehow) managed the girls into child care- got a First Aid kid- and cleaned myself up.

I love my YMCA folks.  I told the child-watch girls that I'd be in the chapel and they were cool with it.  I knew they'd come find me if they needed me for anything.

I sat in the chapel.  And I cried.  A LOT!  And I laughed a little bit.  I get embarrassed if people see me crying.  I don't want to have to explain it.  So I laughed at my smashed pinky.  I had an excuse to have a swollen, tear streaked face.  How funny that I found myself saying "Hey, Lord.  Thanks for my smashed pinky."  

There's a lot going on.  God's working out my heart-condition(s).  I'm getting broken.  Piece-by-piece.  A little smashed, even.  And my jacked-up finger is a physical representation of what God's doing to my heart.  It hurts.  It's swollen.  It's bleeding (still!).  But- it has purpose.  The pain does HAVE a purpose.  Just like my pinky finger.  It served it's purpose.  An excuse to be a BIG-baby with out having to answer any deep questions.  An excuse to cry with out being pitied.

I guess I'll lay out a very MUTED version of my current struggles.

As a Christian:
Here's the down low.  Our church underwent a serious blow to the head when it was revealed that our pastor was, in fact, a liar.  A manipulator.  A total FAKE.  We aren't exactly sure how long he had been living a hypocritical life-style; but at the very least, probably about 5 years.  My husband and I had been going to that church for 10 years (with a 2 year 'break' when we went to another church).
So?  As a Christian, it's been really frustrating to see people- that I've known for most of my Christian walk- turn on each other. It's hard to realize that somebody led a huge body all the while being a fraud.  There's a  trust that has been dismissed all together from me for any person in leadership.
THIS is a good thing now.  I don't trust anybody.  There isn't a single man (or woman) that gets to sit on pedastool.  And I'm thankful.  I won't look up to anybody- or judge myself based on any one else's standard.
Jesus set the standard.  That's enough.

** I've also been a little mad at God.  I'm working that out.  I've found it hard to comprehend why I have to go through all the crap.  I'm getting over it.  Being mad at HIM, but it rises back up here in there and I have to work it out.**

As a wife:
Let's just get totally real.  No marriage is perfect.  Nope.  And I have no expectations that mine will ever be, either.  It will likely be a constant struggle- though I do hope that at some point (asap), the struggles will be less intense.  We're on the eve of our 10 year anniversary.  Literally.  The 'eve'.  It's tomorrow.  Over the course of FOREVER I have hurt and have been hurt in our relationship.  With out sharing too deep into  our marriage- it's a bottom-line challenge of TRUST.  (are we seeing a pattern here, yet?).  This past week has been especially hard in that department.  I'm no  Proverbs 31 woman.  Not even close.  This is a 50/50 deal.  I've caused as much grief as he has.  Trust is a hard thing to acquire once it's been lost.
Neither of us have pushed to deepen or strengthen our relationship with God, either.  Biggest issue.  We've both been lost for a while.  We've assumed we walked a narrow path that was really, actually- NOT all that narrow.

As a mom:
I don't know what to do!  I'm not a great 'home school' mom.  I know they need something else.  But what!?!  Public school is hard to picture for my girls.  Private school is hard to pay for.  What to do?!    I want my kids to be little kids.  Innocent while they are still allowed to be innocent.  Innocent until forced into the real world as pre-teens and young adults.
In my personal struggles- I have found it even harder to focus on my girls' needs.  We're kinda barely getting by.  God made them strong.  And resilient.  But it's time I get it TOGETHER and start raising them up to be confident women-of-God.

As a woman:
Can we just call it what it is and say that I'm sick of feeling "LESS" than in my role as a woman.  It has been too long since I've felt whole.  It could have a little to do with my marriage.  I have made clear that my husband is FOR SURE my other half. "The half that makes me whole."    But- there's a part of me that vainly feels 'less'.  Physically.

I mean?  The battle of the chub is really getting on my stankin' nerves.  I feel less attractive than I would like to feel.  I still don't 'hate' on myself (phew!) but I am annoyed that I can't get confident in my appearance.
I need some teeth work, and that makes me uncomfortable.  It's all about the Benjamins.  I can't afford it.
I need a new wardrobe.  I'm out of date.  I found this out over the weekend when I indulged in "style tv".  Stupid shows.  I was somewhat "ok" with my wardrobe.  Now? Not so much.
And I need a hair cut.  Since my last 'Jo-Jo The Clown' experience, I've been too afraid to put my hair on the chopping block.




So- there's a nut-shelled version of life right now.  Muted.  Incomplete in it's entirety.  Just the basics.